Saturday, May 8, 2010

Some days this life we've chosen is harder than others. I don't like to complain because I don't want to discourage anyone from pursuing this lifestyle but the reality is that no matter what path we choose there will be hurdles. My current hurdle is that Kya has developed delayed seperation anxiety and its making me a little, well... nuts!

I'm not really sure what's going on but she literally wants to be with me all the time- she sleeps in my room, goes grocery shopping with me, goes outside when I do. There are times when she'll get busy and will be okay playing in the other room but only if she knows where I am. She'll also go to my parents house next door or make a trip into town with her dad but only if she knows I'm going to be home- she doesn't want to do these things while I might be somewhere else. I have to accompany her on playdates and she's stopped sleeping over with friends. This is a complete 180 for her- she has never had any trouble sleeping over and has been doing so since she was about 5 or 6. She loved going places and I've joked before that she couldn't wait to be rid of me.

Honestly I was worried at first that something had happened to bring this on but we've had extensive conversations and she's still friendly and outgoing with new people so I don't think she's had a bad experience with an adult. My current theory is that this is somehow related to puberty and her feelings about her changing body. She knows she's growing up and is excited about that but perhaps part of her is also scared by it. Whatever the cause, she's just as confused by it as I am and will say that she's not sure why her feelings have changed.

In the meantime, I have no rest, no time away. I get lots of traditional advice but it doesn't fit with the kind of mom I am- ultimately I have to follow my instincts and feel good about how I handle this so I can't be the kind of mom that just walks away and lets her cry it out. I can't be the kind of mom that disregards her feelings as a phase that she'll outgrow.

So for now I appreciate my friends who understand and let me bring her along (with quiet activities to occupy herself) to adult gatherings such as luncheons and maybe coffee night. I cherish the times when she's happy to go to town with her dad or playing in the next room and I can get a few moments to myself. I accept her just as she is and know that ultimately her ability to express her feelings, even if I don't like or understand those feelings, is a good thing. Just yesterday I told her how proud I was of her ability to stand up for her feelings even when it was hard. I hope she always holds onto that.

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