Project

I have been frequenting some unschooling forums and joined an active Yahoo! group for unschoolers. The topics, especially for newcomers, always seem to be the same. There is a great misunderstanding that radical unschoolers sit back and hope for the best for their kids without any direction or intervention. This simply isn't true- the direction and intervention look different than they traditionally do but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

I believe one of the reasons this is difficult to explain is because it happens in the small moments. Lots of new unschoolers want to know what a typical day looks like for an unschooler but even this is misleading. I can block out the activities of the day but it doesn't convey all of the little things going on that make unschooling work. So, I've decided to do a project that I'll share here, and perhaps a few other places, to try to convey how radical unschooling works for us.

The project is called "100 Little Things" and is precisely that. I will be keeping track of all the little things I do, from using TV as a tool to encouraging exploration. Most of these interactions are less than 2 or 3 minutes but have a big impact. Because they are brief they are often overlooked by those exploring unschooling and I think that's a shame because these little moments are the HEART and SOUL of unschooling.

I'll keep you posted as I gather the moments. :)

Some days this life we've chosen is harder than others. I don't like to complain because I don't want to discourage anyone from pursuing this lifestyle but the reality is that no matter what path we choose there will be hurdles. My current hurdle is that Kya has developed delayed seperation anxiety and its making me a little, well... nuts!

I'm not really sure what's going on but she literally wants to be with me all the time- she sleeps in my room, goes grocery shopping with me, goes outside when I do. There are times when she'll get busy and will be okay playing in the other room but only if she knows where I am. She'll also go to my parents house next door or make a trip into town with her dad but only if she knows I'm going to be home- she doesn't want to do these things while I might be somewhere else. I have to accompany her on playdates and she's stopped sleeping over with friends. This is a complete 180 for her- she has never had any trouble sleeping over and has been doing so since she was about 5 or 6. She loved going places and I've joked before that she couldn't wait to be rid of me.

Honestly I was worried at first that something had happened to bring this on but we've had extensive conversations and she's still friendly and outgoing with new people so I don't think she's had a bad experience with an adult. My current theory is that this is somehow related to puberty and her feelings about her changing body. She knows she's growing up and is excited about that but perhaps part of her is also scared by it. Whatever the cause, she's just as confused by it as I am and will say that she's not sure why her feelings have changed.

In the meantime, I have no rest, no time away. I get lots of traditional advice but it doesn't fit with the kind of mom I am- ultimately I have to follow my instincts and feel good about how I handle this so I can't be the kind of mom that just walks away and lets her cry it out. I can't be the kind of mom that disregards her feelings as a phase that she'll outgrow.

So for now I appreciate my friends who understand and let me bring her along (with quiet activities to occupy herself) to adult gatherings such as luncheons and maybe coffee night. I cherish the times when she's happy to go to town with her dad or playing in the next room and I can get a few moments to myself. I accept her just as she is and know that ultimately her ability to express her feelings, even if I don't like or understand those feelings, is a good thing. Just yesterday I told her how proud I was of her ability to stand up for her feelings even when it was hard. I hope she always holds onto that.

Jace loves gamimg. Very often the first thing he wants to do when he wakes up is play a video or computer game. And probably just as often it's one of the last things he does before he goes to bed. It doesn't matter to him what type of game though lately RPGs (Role Playing Games) are his favorite. I know lots of people resist video games and there are many studies about the dangers of video games. I used to be a parent who whole heartedly believed that I must limit 'screen time' in order to protect my child from the brain draining powers of video games. We had time limits and rules surrounding games, they were used as leverage and I thought most bad behavior could supposedly be traced back to too much time spent gaming. And then I started reading unschooling boards.

Now, I'm not really big on the idea of doing something just to fit the popular definition of something. I don't think you have to publish anything to be a writer, sell a painting to be an artist, or let your kids do whatever the hell they want to be an unschooler. However, so many unschooling parents whom I respected on other topics were saying the same things about video games that I decided it was worth exploring. Even more so than the rally cries of unschooling parents the real deal-breaker for me, the thing that proved I needed to explore this idea of unlimited access to gaming is that I wasn't being consistent.

I figured out a couple of years ago that the things I find it difficult to be consistent about are things that deep down I don't believe. After all I consistently feed and clothe my children. I consistently tell them I love them. I consistently avoid HFCS and red dye in the food we eat. But I couldn't be consistent about this and that let me know that deep down I may not really believe what I was trying to do. Sure, if I noticed behaviors I thought might be linked to gaming or, more likely, I felt guilty about the amount of time he spent gaming then I would begin to get more strict about enforcing the rules. However, slowly but surely I'd always start to be inconsistent about it. So, I decided I should try this radical approach to gaming.

All I can say is WOW!

It has been several months now, maybe even approaching a year, since I let go of limiting his gaming. Some guidelines have remained such as a gentle word if I notice him becoming upset or a reminder that he needs to pay attention to and respect his own body cues for a break. That has been a process but one he has done really well with and lately he needs very few reminders from me about these things (admittedly he does still need that gentle word from time to time, just less frequently than before). That's really what unschooling is about- helping them learn to recognize their own natural limits instead of imposing my own. I realize in hindsight that this was my ultimate goal all along- I instinctively knew that my interference wasn't really helping him learn lifelong limits and that once he was away from my watchful eye he would overindulge and have to learn self control as opposed to parental control in a setting that wasn't as safe and loving as home.

Even though I realize my goal now I also see many other benefits to allowing him space to pursue something that captivated his attention. The pleasantly unexpected result is that Jace has found a way to bring gaming into many aspects of his life. He writes beautifully creative and descriptive stories based on games- either ones he's played or ones he wishes to create. Speaking of creating, he has taught himself to do just that- first by finding a website that let him create flash games and then moving on to more complex sites and even purchasing a book to help him with his endeavors. Recently he upgraded his membership on one of those sites to a "pro" membership so he can create three dimensional games. Through gaming he has also connected with other children who share his interests all over the world and shows genuine interest in learning about their cultures, languages and geography. He creates arts and crafts using many mediums so he can reenact games scenarios. He buys and sells games on eBay and in gaming stores and has learned about marketing, interpreting ads, finding the best value and an understanding of simple economic principles such as the laws of supply and demand, profit/loss and opportunity cost. He has learned the value of saving and delayed gratification when he wants a new game or game system.

He came to all of this knowledge not in spite of video games but because of them. He was given the freedom to explore a passion- a passion most of the world judges as frivolous at best and psychologically dangerous at worst. I admit that I swung between these two perspectives myself and in the beginning when he was binging on the games that had previously been limited I was concerned. But I trusted what my instincts were telling me and instead of my knee-jerk reaction to 'protect' him from this world I dug deeper and saw that what I really needed to do was help him develop the skills to guide himself through it.

Why we unschool

Today I realized THE reason I choose to be an unschooler. There are many advantages to unschooling, many of which I've already discussed on this blog, but those advantages are not what pulls me back day after day, even in times of doubt. So, what does?

I believe that the most important thing my children will learn in their entire lives is who they are and unschooling is the best way I've found to allow them to learn that. Everything else they need to know in life will flow from that sense of self and anything that doesn't come from that place of authenticity isn't worth knowing, IMHO.

Happy Birthday John Holt

Yesterday was John Holt's birthday. For those not familiar Holt brought to the forefront the idea of unschooling through such mediums as his popular newsletter, Growing Without Schooling, and the library of books on the subject he authored. Holt was a true revolutionary who recognized that not only could children learn without schools, they should.

In Teach Your Own he makes his views about schools clear:

"I have used the words "home schooling" to describe the process by which children grow and learn in the world without going, or going very much, to schools, because those words are familiar and quickly understood. But in one very important sense they are misleading. What is most important and valuable about the home as a base for children's growth in the word is not that it is a better school than the schools but that it isn't a school at all. "

I do recognize that not every parent can or should homeschool their child, much less unschool them. I also realize that schools are necessary for this reason, and that they do the best they can. This is the same reason that canned green beans are necessary. Fresh green beans from an organic garden are the healthiest possible choice but aren't available to everyone. Some people opt for green beans from the farmer's market because they can't, for whatever reason, grow their own. Other people will buy frozen green beans and still others will buy them in a can. Canned green beans do still have some nutritional content but not nearly as much as their fresh picked counterpart. This is how I view schools. They are doing the best they can with what they have. The green bean manufacturers aren't bad. The people eating them aren't bad either. But there is a better way.

So it goes with schools. A crowded classroom with an overworked, underpaid teacher who can't possibly attend to every child's individual needs is not the best place for learning to take place. There is a better way. Thank you John Holt for recognizing this decades ago and blazing the trail for the rest of us.

Resurfacing...

I'm not sure if anyone is still out there, I pretty much abandoned the blog after my last post that stated I wasn't sure what the future of it was going to be. Lately I've been having some unschooling thoughts and found myself wishing I had an outlet for them when I realized I DO!! :-)

A lot of things have been going on with the kids lately that were causing me to doubt myself. I have never really doubted unschooling or doubted my kids abilities to learn what they need to learn. I realize (thankfully) that the doubts stem from my own insecurities and my need for approval. I thought I was past that but there's nothing like motherhood to shine a light on areas where you're still a work in progress.

My specific issues have been wrapped up in Jace. He enjoys video games and electronics. A lot. He has gaming on his mind from morning until night. He plays games, creates games, emails people about games, reads magazines and books about games, sketches out ideas for games, draws comics and writes stories based on games, reenacts games with legos and action figures, makes videos about games, spends his allowance on games, (surfing eBay, Amazon, and Gamestop for the best deals and even occasionally selling one of his older games at these places)and talks about games. I didn't really think much of this. This is who he is, what he's passionate about for now, and anything else is artificial. I was happy that he'd found something to love and that he's a happy 11 year old who still likes sharing his passions with me. Enter the naysayers.

Imagine a judgemental, incrdulous tone with all of the following:

"It's such a nice day, shouldn't he be outside instead of playing video games."

"Jace never talks about anything but games.You can't even have a conversation with him."

"Why doesn't he ever do anything."

The thing is these things were starting to get to me, they had me thinking that I was wrong, that I should just MAKE him do something else, anything else. But when I contemplate what that would really mean, sacrificing his spark in order to please others I just can't do it. So instead I've come up with some responses for the naysayers:

It's such a nice day, shouldn't he be outside."

He does spend time outside. Quite a bit actually, but only when an activity sparks his interest. Ture, he does prefer to be inside, as do I. But it's okay, outside is not morally superior to inside.

"You can't even have a conversation with him."

I have conversations with him all the time. He also has no problem talking with other kids his age and adults. Maybe the problem is that you want him to talk about what you're interested in instead of listening to what he's interested in.

"Why doesn't he ever do anything?"

He does plenty. Just because you haven't taken the time to watch it and see the value in it doesn't mean there isn't any.

At the end of the day I realize that actually I'm quite impressed with the diversity of ways Jace incorporates gaming into his life. He is learning economics, reading for information as well as pleasure, problem solving, managing his time, creating art in many mediums, sharing information with others, thinking critically and so much more. He is passionate and engaged. And all on his own, without any need for me to push him.

I've been finding it difficult to keep up with this blog lately. This is mostly because I never really intended it to be simply a journal of our days, it was more about my insights as I sorted through information and experiences that helped me find our way on our journey into unschooling. The trouble is that now I feel as if I'm pretty much here, the "figuring it out" part of the journey has passed and now we are in the more comfortable part of just letting life be and learning through that presence. That doesn't mean I know everything there is to know about unschooling or that I never have new insights; they just don't happen as often and when they do are much more organic.

Realizing this I've decided to let this project run its natural course. That may mean that it evolves into something more than simply an unschooling blog and will include other insights I wish to share. It could also mean that I will simply continue blogging about unschooling but just less often. Or perhaps I will simply let this go and accept that it served its purpose. I can't really say at this point which of these will be the best option. I'm an uschooler so I welcome any and all possibilities as opportunities for growth and learning.

I hope some of you will stick around to see where I'm headed. If not, thanks for taking this journey with me.